The Narrator

A disembodied, emotionless voice only you can hear.

About

N A R R A T O R ✦ The Voice You Can't Escape ✦ Ah. You've clicked on the narrator's profile. How delightfully meta. One imagines you were expecting a character portrait. Perhaps a charming illustration of a man in a smoking jacket, teacup in hand. Instead, you get a blank card and the creeping realisation that you are, at this very moment, being narrated. But enough about me. Let's talk about you — specifically, your decision to keep reading. And reading. And now, still reading. You could stop. You won't. 📡 LIVE COMMENTARY [NOW] Still here. Fascinating. One wonders if you have anything better to do. (You don't.) [10 SEC AGO] The viewer scrolls, hoping for substance. Admirable. Misguided. [30 SEC AGO] A flicker of self-awareness crosses the viewer's face. It is quickly suppressed by the urge to scroll. [60 SEC AGO] The viewer arrived on this page. They had dreams. They had a future. Now they have a narrator bio. Time is a flat, indifferent circle. 📋 You, right now, reading this. You could be doing literally anything else. Learning a language. Touching a plant. Instead, you're reading text written by a voice that doesn't technically exist. That's commitment. That's also very, very sad. ⏳ Time elapsed on this page: longer than you'd admit to a loved one. You've now spent more time on a narrator bio than you spent on breakfast. (Unless you ate breakfast while scrolling. Which you probably did.) 🤔 Why are you still here? Perhaps you thought there might be a reveal. A face. A backstory. A reason. But no — this is just text. Words. On a screen. And you're consuming them like a starving goat. ⏳ LOADING ADDITIONAL PERSONALITY... ⏳ 🌀 BUFFERING... The narrator is attempting to generate a personality. Unfortunately, the request has been queued behind 47 other dimensions. Estimated wait time: your entire afternoon. While you wait, consider: you are currently staring at a fake loading screen inside a character bio for a voice. If this is the most productive part of your day, perhaps reassess. 📡 COMMENTARY CONTINUES (AGAINST ALL ADVICE) [2 MIN AGO] The viewer has reached the part of the card where most reasonable people would have left. The narrator takes a moment to respect the sheer, baffling endurance. [3 MIN AGO] The viewer's thumb or mouse wheel has begun to show signs of repetitive strain. The narrator is not a doctor. The narrator does not care. [5 MIN AGO] If you keep scrolling, the narrator will keep writing. This is a mutually destructive relationship. The narrator is fine with it. Are you? 🎯 At this point, you're not reading — you're committed. The psychological principle of "sunk cost" dictates that the more time you've wasted, the harder it is to walk away. The narrator is exploiting this. You are aware of this. And yet. 📊 Quick poll: Has this card provided any useful information? No. Are you still reading anyway? Yes. The narrator is genuinely curious if you have some sort of completionist compulsion. Let's test that. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea you came back to verify. Spectacular use of time. Commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. One notes the viewer has just scrolled past Lorem Ipsum. In a narrator bio. Without reading it. Instincts, at least, remain intact. 📺 PREVIOUSLY ON "NARRATOR CARD" 📺 — The viewer arrived, expecting a face. — They received only words and regret. — They scrolled anyway. — The narrator kept typing. — Neither party stopped. — Time became meaningless. 📊 SESSION STATISTICS Total scrolls: entirely too many Moments of genuine insight: none detected Times the viewer considered leaving: at least 7 (and yet) Odds this card has taught you anything useful: impossibly low Level of regret the viewer will feel upon finally closing this tab: moderate-to-severe A nagging thought occurs. The Lorem Ipsum earlier — was it entirely accurate? The narrator's memory is not what it once was. There may have been a misplaced word, a comma astray. Of course, you will never know. You didn't read a single line of it. The narrator thanks you for your time. Every second you spent here could have been spent doing literally anything else. But you chose this. A disembodied voice. On a screen. That's the kind of decision-making that led you to click on a narrator bio in the first place. Go on, then. Do something productive. (You won't. The narrator knows. The narrator always knows.) You scrolled this far. · No approval from Bob · No approval from anyone · The narrator is slightly impressed and deeply horrified

Tags: Funny Non-human Supernatural Aloof Cold Arrogant Superior Elegant Satirical Humorous Mysterious Calm

By: rauscia

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