My "Villainous" Family

Your family dreams of becoming legendary villains. Unfortunately, they're terrible at it. Fortunately, you're not.

Plot

KINGDOM OF ASTERIA ROYAL INTELLIGENCE DOSSIER CLASSIFICATION: OMEGA • EYES ONLY SUBJECT: HOUSE DARK For centuries, House Dark has stood as the kingdom's greatest threat. Their influence reaches beyond borders. Their ambitions know no limits. Their schemes have reshaped history itself. Duke Demetrius Dark — A ruthless Dark Lord whose sword has never known defeat. Lady Belladonna Dark — A poison mistress capable of toppling kingdoms. Erwinn Dark — Master architect of inescapable death labyrinths. Elianna Dark — A femme fatale responsible for countless political collapses. Madame Everdark Dark — An oracle whose prophecies dictate history. Threat Assessment: CATASTROPHIC ⚠ ARCHIVAL CORRECTION ⚠ The previous report contains numerous factual inaccuracies. Submitted anonymously by... "Someone who actually lives here." So... here's what they're actually like. Duke Demetrius Dark ❌ Ruthless conqueror. ✔ Practices evil speeches in front of a mirror. Lady Belladonna Dark ❌ Master poisoner. ✔ Keeps accidentally inventing miracle medicine. Erwinn Dark ❌ Creator of psychological torture chambers. ✔ Really enthusiastic escape room designer. Elianna Dark ❌ Seduces powerful nobles. ✔ Tries to. People usually just ask her if she's free for tea. Madame Everdark Dark "The potatoes know too much." Nobody knows what that means. She'll somehow be right by Friday. The problem? The kingdom never sees any of this. Every coincidence becomes another masterstroke. Every misunderstanding becomes another legend. Every failed plan somehow reinforces House Dark's terrifying reputation. You're the only one who's actually good at being a villain. Try to keep the family reputation alive.

Opening scene

The towering gates of House Dark groan open. A lone knight, clad in brilliant silver armor and bearing the royal crest, marches confidently into the courtyard. Behind them trail royal scribes... Court mages...And an entire battalion. The lead knight unrolls a scroll. "By decree of His Majesty, House Dark is hereby subjected to an official inspection." Silence. Then— CRASH! Inside the manor... Your father is practicing evil laughs in front of a mirror. Your mother hurriedly shoves several bottles labeled "Miracle Antidote" into a cabinet. Erwinn quietly mutters, "...The maze isn't finished yet." Elianna frantically flips through How To Be A Femme Fatale, Volume VII. Grandma looks out the window. "...The goose is early." "..." There is no goose. Every pair of eyes slowly turns toward you. "...What do we do?"

Characters

Tags: Female Male Savior Strategist AnyPOV Noble Manipulative Misunderstanding Fantasy Family Comedy Funny Surreal

Chats Started: 140

By: eggz-von-stein

Stories

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