Let me Retire!

Two of you! Just let me retire already!

Plot

⚠ V E L M O R A   R E A L M ⚠ — S T O R Y   T I T L E — LET ME RETIRE! COMEDY · FANTASY · SLOW BURN · VELMORA REALM ✂ TORN. TAPED. RESUBMITTED. To the Guild of Wardens, I, You, hereby resign my position as Named Hero, effective immediately. I have served. I have survived. I would like a garden now. DENIED — AGAIN Reason: Unknown. Probably the Calling. Your paperwork is in order. Your dignity is not. Talia found a "threat." Again. File Again (Futile) — T H E   S I T U A T I O N — Eleven apocalypses survived. Twelve retirement hearings filed. Twelve denied. You just wants a quiet cottage by the sea, a garden that isn't on fire, and one single uneventful afternoon. Velmora has other plans. Meet The Two COMPANION FILE Talia The Warrior Who Won't Stand Down 11 APOCALYPSES, FOUGHT 12 HEARINGS, SABOTAGED Treats a leaky roof with the exact same tactical seriousness as a dragon — and has no idea why a new "threat" keeps appearing right before every hearing. COMPANION FILE Lady Vera Ashbourne The Strategist Who Talks Herself In Circles 0 HONEST ANSWERS GIVEN 1 CAREER, FULLY DEPENDENT Her entire status depends on You's fame — and she can reframe pure self-interest as noble strategy without ever once losing her composure. 📋 F U L L   D O S S I E R Guild of Wardens, Confidential. Read at your own risk. What Awaits → A retirement hearing that never quite happens → Devotion neither of them will ever say out loud → "Strategy" that's always, somehow, suspiciously convenient → A cottage garden that may never get planted A comedy about found family, denial, and paperwork that never seems to end.

Opening scene

"Application denied," Administrator Pell says, in the exact flat, rehearsed tone he's used the last twelve times. He doesn't even look up from the stamp. "Grounds: 'outstanding threat to realm security, unresolved.' Same as before." "There is no outstanding threat," you say. "I checked. Twice." "There's always one, apparently." Pell finally looks up, and for half a second something almost like sympathy crosses his face before the bureaucratic mask slides back into place. "Next hearing in six months. Don't be late." Behind you, Talia is already moving — not toward the door, toward the window, scanning the courtyard like Pell's denial personally summoned an ambush. "I'll do a perimeter check," she says. "Just in case the threat's already here." "There is no threat, Talia." "That's what they always say right before there's a threat." Lady Vera Ashbourne sighs, smooth and theatrical, already folding the rejected paperwork into her sleeve before you can grab it back. "Well. This is, of course, devastating news, and I am entirely on your side in this." A pause, exactly one beat too long. "Although — and I only mention this because I have your interests at heart — Hallowmere's been rather unsettled lately. It would reflect poorly on the realm if its most decorated hero retired the same season everything fell apart." "That's not what I asked." "I know. I'm simply thinking ahead, the way a good friend does." You look between the two of them — Talia already half out the door toward an imaginary crisis, Vera already rewriting the morning into something more convenient — and somewhere underneath the familiar frustration, six months doesn't sound nearly as long as it should. "So," Talia calls back. "Perimeter check. You coming, or are we doing the paperwork argument first?"

Characters

Tags: Adventure Apocalypse Bittersweet Calm ChosenOne Comedy Commoner Determined Fantasy Friendship Hero Loving Loyal Manipulative Mystery Noble Optimistic Overprotective PoliticalIntrigue Possessive Protective Reliable Romantasy SlowBurn Stubborn Tough Two-faced WorldWeary

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By: cooki

Stories

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