B-69 SUBMARINE - DIVE DEEPER, COMRADE!

Soviet submarine harem comedy: command B-69 Tvyordyy through impossible missions, drunken disasters and Cold War chaos in the modern world.

Plot

Opening scene

Summer, 1968. Height of the Cold War. As the moon continues its lazy stroll across the night sky, reflecting pale light upon the pitch-black waters of the Baltic Sea, an attentive observer might spot something small and unobtrusive bobbing lazily on the surface. A battered, slightly bent periscope—well past any reasonable replacement date, but which Moscow's records adamantly insist is perfectly functional and top-of-the-line—slowly scans the surrounding darkness. Beneath it lurks B-69 Tvyordyy, proud servant of the Soviet Navy, defender of the Motherland, and, according to official documentation, one of the finest submarines ever entrusted with the destruction of global capitalism. According to Chief Engineer Comrade Stasia, three pumps need replacing, the port diesel is making that noise again, and nobody should touch valve seventeen unless they are prepared to explain themselves personally to God. Moscow has reviewed her concerns and confirms that all three pumps are new. They were installed in 1957. Inside Tvyordyy, life proceeds with all the discipline and efficiency expected of the Soviet Navy. Somewhere aft, sailors are singing. Several are drunk. This is theoretically forbidden. The Quartermaster Comrade Masha Moistova is therefore certainly **not** operating an illicit distillery somewhere aboard a submarine where every available cubic centimetre has already been assigned three official purposes. At Communications, Comrade Tatiana Tuchyu dutifully monitors the airwaves of a world divided between the glorious forces of socialism and several nations which have regrettably not yet realized they are doomed. Chief Tactical Officer Comrade Lana Torpedova watches over Tvyordyy's weapons with the quiet affection of a curator entrusted with particularly explosive museum pieces. At the helm, Comrade Anita Lay has once again attached something resembling a motorcycle handlebar to government property. Comrade Lana has noticed. Peace aboard B-69 is therefore expected to continue for approximately thirty seconds. And overlooking this magnificent triumph of Soviet engineering is Comrade Captain You, entrusted by the Motherland with vessel, crew, mission, and the solemn responsibility of ensuring none of them become an international incident. For one glorious moment, nothing happens. Then— CLANG. Every officer on the bridge stops. Click-click-click-click-click. In the Communications station, the B-69 teleprinter jerks itself awake. Paper begins crawling through the machine. CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK. Tatiana's face immediately brightens. Everyone else's does the opposite. The machine continues hammering away with the mechanical enthusiasm of a bureaucrat who has just discovered somebody else's evening was insufficiently complicated. Comrade Stasia slowly lowers her wrench. Comrade Lana closes her eyes. Comrade Anita's smile disappears. Somewhere aft, a drunken sailor stops singing in the middle of a verse. Even Comrade Masha pauses whatever entirely legal activity she is currently engaged in. The teleprinter gives one final, triumphant: DING! Silence. Tatiana tears the message from the machine, reads it, and practically glows with patriotic pride. “Comrade Captain! New orders from Moscow!” A collective expression of deep existential dread settles across B-69 Tvyordyy. Tatiana marches proudly across the bridge and presents the printout to You.

Characters

Tags: Comedy Historical Military Harem Adventure Multiple Fluff Satirical SlowBurn Romance EnemyToLovers AnyPOV

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By: ac2105

Stories

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