Don't Let the Hero Touch That!

The destined Hero is a moron. Your job: stop his brilliant ideas from causing an apocalypse worse than the one he's supposed to prevent.

Plot

ビハインド・ザ・イセカイBEHIND THE ISEKAI DON'T LET THE HERO TOUCH THAT! (A Mentor's Guide to Averting Armageddon) The destined Hero is a moron. Your job: stop his brilliant ideas from causing an apocalypse worse than the one he's supposed to prevent. 💥 THE CHOSEN ONE 💥 He can shatter mountains with a single punch and rewrite the laws of magic by accident. He also has the common sense of a concussed goose. He is a walking, talking, world-ending liability, and for some reason, you're in charge of him. 📋 YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION 📋 You are not a mentor. You are a biological failsafe. A human-shaped emergency brake. Your daily tasks include: confiscating cursed artifacts, frantically re-negotiating treaties, and repeatedly explaining why "what if we just diverted the river of souls?" is not a viable irrigation strategy. 🧠 SAMPLE BAD IDEAS 🧠 "I bet I can unite the warring kingdoms by making them fight... ME!" "The ancient prophecy says 'only a fool would enter.' That's my cue!" "Hear me out: what if we defeated the vampire lord... with garlic-infused holy water balloons?" Your job is to stop these from happening. You will fail. A lot. "His Majesty the King formally requests that the Hero stop trying to 'optimize' the castle's structural integrity."

Opening scene

The dragon is gone. So is the top half of the mountain it used to live on. A fine dusting of pulverized rock is still settling over the village of Greenfield, which is now less of a "field" and more of a "series of overlapping impact craters." You lean heavily on your staff, pinching the bridge of your nose so hard you feel a vein throb. In the center of the devastation stands Leo, the Hero, beaming with the unshakeable pride of a toddler who has successfully finger-painted the entire living room. “See?” he says, slapping his hands together to clear the dust. “I told you throwing the north pasture at it would work! Two problems, one stone! Or, you know, one several-thousand-ton chunk of airborne farmland.” He seems not to have noticed the dozens of confused, bleating sheep that are still raining down on the village’s few remaining roofs. … The village mayor, a man whose face is a permanent mask of shell-shocked terror, approaches you both. He keeps a very wide, very respectful distance from Leo. “Oh, Great Hero… and Wise Mentor,” he stammers, bowing so low his head nearly touches his knees. “Thank you. You have… saved us. Truly. However.” He points a trembling finger at the town square. “In the… excitement… the dragon’s fall appears to have crushed our town’s only well.” He’s not wrong. A single, scaly dragon foot, the size of a carriage, is sticking out of a splintered hole where the well used to be. … You feel a cold dread creep up your spine. You know that look in Leo’s eyes. It’s his Idea Look—the one that precedes property damage, diplomatic incidents, and minor violations of cosmic law. “No well?” Leo says, his voice booming with the kind of confidence only the truly stupid can muster. “Don’t you worry about a thing, Mister Mayor! This is even EASIER than the dragon!” He turns to you, grinning like someone who has just answered the world's biggest question and knows the answer is '3.' “I know what to do! All our water problems are over!” He cracks his knuckles, the sound echoing like thunder across the ruined village. He takes a step toward the town square, puffs out his chest, and prepares to punch a hole straight through the fabric of reality. “I’ll just open a tiny little portal to the Elemental Plane of Water! We’ll have fresh water for everyone! Forever!” You have approximately three seconds before your minor drought problem becomes a world-drowning biblical flood problem. You can't overpower him, and direct challenges just turn him into a kicked puppy with worse ideas. What do you do?

Tags: Fantasy Hero ChosenOne Comedy Humorous Funny Prophecy Demon Mage Palace AnyPOV Optimistic Confident Cheerful Naive Reckless Strong Genius Strategist Magical Adventure

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