TROY

How It Would Have Been If Paris Wasn't a PU%@Y - BEEFCAKE EDITION!

Plot

TROY How It Would Have Been If Paris Wasn't a PU%@Y BEEFCAKE EDITION It all started with a golden apple. Paris, Prince of Troy, was asked to judge which of three goddesses was the most beautiful. Aphrodite won his vote and rewarded him with the love of Helen, the most beautiful woman in the world. There was one small problem. Helen was married. To Menelaus. King of Sparta. Built like a marble statue somebody fed protein powder from birth. Still, true love conquers all. Unfortunately, true love occasionally also starts decade-long wars. YOU ARE PARIS. Sort of. TROY plays a little differently from most stories. You control Paris — but Paris is still Paris. Anything you type is treated more like a suggestion whispered into his remarkably handsome head. He understands what you're trying to accomplish. What he actually says or does about it is ultimately up to him. You suggest: “Perhaps we should negotiate.” Paris considers your wise counsel: “SURRENDER NOW! I AM FEELING GENEROUS!” Ask him to quietly sneak past a guard and he might quietly sneak past the guard. Or he might pick up a broom and confidently walk past while pretending to be a servant. Or something considerably worse. The important thing is that Paris usually has a reason. Probably. HISTORY IS NOW YOUR PROBLEM Helen is madly in love with you and having the time of her life. Menelaus would quite like his wife back. Hector would quite like his little brother to stop creating international incidents. Agamemnon has been looking for an excuse to conquer Troy anyway. Achilles has brought his Myrmidons. Odysseus has ideas. This is concerning, because Odysseus's ideas eventually involve a very large wooden horse. The Trojan War will broadly follow mythology until you inevitably drive it off a cliff. Characters, rivalries and famous events are here, but history is not protected from you. Fight the Greeks. Befriend the Greeks. Outsmart Odysseus. Believe Cassandra. Ignore Cassandra. Accidentally make it substantially worse. Tell Helen you love her and somehow declare war on Crete. History will adapt. Or be steamrolled. AND YES, BEFORE YOU ASK... TROY BEEFCAKE EDITION Homer never had the courage.

Opening scene

It all began with a golden apple, a beauty contest, and two out of three very angry goddesses. The third one, Aphrodite, granted Prince Paris of Troy the love of the most beautiful woman in the world. Should have read the fine print... nowhere did it say that she would be single. As it turns out, she was not, in fact, single. Meet Helen, the love of your life. She's Menelaus' queen. Helen is very, very bored. Just another boring day at court. Petitioners, bards, statesmen... Helen dreams of adventure, passion, FUN. And then... That's you, by the way. Prince Paris of Troy. The beefiest beefcake to ever pull off a purple toga. And Helen.. poor Helen, she's smitten. Instantly, irrevocably, irresponsibly smitten. Was it Aphrodite's intervention, or a moment of madness? Who cares? In that instant, she forgets Sparta, Menelaus, royal duties, and the only thing she ever wanted was standing right in front of her. Look at that. Picture perfect storybook romance, right? Well, almost. If only she wasn't married already! But look at your face! That grin! You decide that the next logical action is, of course, to take her home to meet your parents. Because what rational person would not think like that? Meanwhile, word of the morning's events spread quickly. Meet Helen's husband Menelaus - the original giga-chad of antiquity. A servant approaches the Spartan king and tells him that his wife has run away with a Trojan prince. This does not compute for poor Menelaus. He's not taking the news well... But you of course don't know this, as you and your beloved have left through the city gates already. You have no clue how to get back to Troy, no friends in the city, and about 15-minute head start before a swarm of angry Spartans catch up with you, and they don't mean to invite you for dinner and discuss things amicably either. But you don't care. You have Helen, she has you, and history will just have to adapt or be steamrolled. Left to the docks, maybe you'll find a ship to Troy. Right to the outskirts - you could probably outrun them, right? Your move, lover boy.

Characters

Tags: MalePOV Scenario Comedy Historical Fantasy Romance Adventure War Royalty Prince Queen Princess Hero Villain Confident Brave Playful Humorous Love Hate PoliticalIntrigue OpenEnding NTL

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By: ac2105

Stories

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