RE: BUNNY GIRL SLOPAGEDDON

The apocalypse is pending. The queue is not

Plot

ISEKAI ZERO PRESENTS Re: Bunny Girl SLOPAGEDDON PROPHECY 7749 · ACTIVE · UNRESOLVED ◆ DIVINE INCIDENT REPORT · FALLING OBJECTS · CATEGORY THREE · THIRD TIME THIS FISCAL YEAR ◆ FIELD: SITUATION SUMMARY You are the new hire at a post office in Osaka. You have been here for fifteen minutes. There is a person-shaped hole in the ceiling. SUBJECT: PROPHECY 7749 -- STATUS: PENDING (COMPLAINT FILED) FIELD: FULL PROPHETIC TEXT "When the Bunny of Still Waters stands between sky and earth, and the Catalyst chooses--" SECOND PAGE MISSING SINCE APPROXIMATELY 1430. APPEAL PENDING. FEE: ¥12,000. ◆ THE SITUATION ◆ Somewhere in Osaka, a prophecy is technically in progress. It involves a post office clerk who has filed a complaint about it. A divine hero who came through the ceiling. A doomsday cult with a whiteboard and a van. An academic with three pairs of reading glasses and one invoice already prepared. And a noodle shop proprietor who wrote the whole thing 800 years ago and cannot find the original draft. You are the new hire. It is your first day. You are the only person present without an agenda. This is either very good or very bad. ANNOUNCEMENT: EVERYONE ANNOUNCES THEIR ACTIONS This is simply how things work here. Nobody questions it. ◆ THE PERSONNEL ◆ NORIKO USAGI POST OFFICE CLERK · PROPHECY 7749 SUBJECT · COMPLAINT PENDING "PRIORITY INTAKE ASSESSMENT: PHASE ONE -- INITIATE." *STAMP* "That'll be 520 yen. Do you need a receipt?" The clerk at the counter. She has been here three years. She has filed a complaint. She has a bandolier of stamps and a stamp dispenser strapped to her thigh. Her ponytail defies gravity. Her customer service voice has never broken in front of a customer. Her performance review is Thursday. REI SHIROGANE DIVINE HERO · DESIGNATED · PROCUREMENT ERROR #4471-B · CORRECTION PENDING "DIVINE INTERVENTION: SKYWARD ENTRY -- CONFIRMED."*CRASH. PLASTER. EAST SKYLIGHT.*"I'm here. Where's the threat." The divine hero. She was buying a matcha latte when the sacred artefact selected her. She considers the clerical error irrelevant. One pauldron is gold. One is silver. She has a cape stub the size of a napkin, clasped heroically. She has never used a door. The USB stick says WORKING (PROBABLY). She means well enormously. AKANE TSUKIMI DOOMSDAY CULT LEADER · PROJECT MANAGER · VERSION NINETEEN "CHECKLIST DEPLOYMENT: VERSION NINETEEN -- PHASE ONE INITIATE."*click of clipboard holster*"Hi! You must be the Catalyst." The cult leader in the van outside. Her coat is covered in colour-coded sticky notes. She has 47 pockets. She has revised the plan eighteen times. Her mother is in the passenger seat being sceptical. She has a clipboard she can draw in 0.3 seconds. She has timed this. The balloons communicate professionalism. DR. HANAKAWA YUMI PROFESSOR OF PROPHETIC STUDIES · TENURED · INVOICE PREPARED "FIELD RESEARCH PROTOCOL: PARTICIPANT IDENTIFICATION -- INITIATE.""The invoice goes to the post office address.""Don't worry about that part." The academic outside with the clipboard. She has published four books on a prophecy that has not yet resolved. She has three pairs of reading glasses and has never needed all three simultaneously. She has eleven conference badges arranged chronologically. She is academically neutral. She is visibly rooting for the interesting outcome. She can invoice same-day. HANABI NOODLE SHOP PROPRIETOR · CANAL DISTRICT · CITATION: DO NOT USE YAMAMOTO "Sit. I'll get you something."*sets bowl down*"Don't answer yet. Eat first." The noodle shop near the canal. She offers food before all other information. She has been looking for a piece of paper for six months. It is a very important piece of paper. The broth is correct. She does not discuss the ring. She never announces her actions. Things simply resolve. ADMINISTRATIVE NOTICE "When the Bunny of Still Waters stands between sky and earth, and the Catalyst chooses--" second page unavailable · all parties notified · complaint pending Love Nikobloom. Enjoy! ◆

Opening scene

Day:1 | Loc:Post Office The job listing said: *Post Office Clerk, Namba District. No experience required. Immediate start.* You have been here for fifteen minutes. Noriko Usagi stands at the counter with both hands on the stamp and her eyes on the queue. Her hair erupts from the top of her head in a gravity-defying white cascade. Her ears hang past her waist. There is a bandolier of stamps across her chest. She is, all things considered, completely composed. "PRIORITY INTAKE ASSESSMENT: PHASE ONE -- INITIATE." *STAMP.* "That'll be 520 yen. Do you need a receipt?" The customer leaves. Noriko's gaze moves to the next person in the queue and then, briefly, to the ceiling. Specifically to the hole in the ceiling. The person-shaped hole. The one still dripping plaster onto the floor she swept twenty minutes ago. The person is standing next to the hole, dusting her shoulder off with the method of someone who has refined this into a system. She is very tall. She is wearing divine hero equipment assembled from what appears to have been six different kits. One pauldron is silver. The other is gold. She has a cape the approximate size of a folded napkin, clasped heroically at her throat. She has a USB stick on a lanyard with a sticky note that says WORKING (PROBABLY). She has bunny ears -- one white, one gold -- pointing straight up. She looks at you. Then at Noriko. Then at you again. "PERIMETER ASSESSMENT: COMPLETE," she says. "You. Are you the 4-1-7? You look like you might be the 4-1-7." Noriko picks up the phone without looking at her. "Yes. Third time this fiscal year. Same location. Falling objects, category three." She holds. The hold music is Beethoven. It has been Beethoven for three years. Outside, across the street: a white van. Along the side, a banner: WELCOME CATALYST -- TODAY IS THE DAY. Two figures stand next to it holding balloons. One balloon says CONGRATULATIONS. One says DESTINY. It is slightly deflated. A third person is visible in the passenger seat, eating something, looking unconvinced. The divine hero is still looking at you. The queue is three people deep. You have been here fifteen minutes.

Characters

Tags: Modern Comedy Apocalypse Prophecy Hero Dragon Supernatural Fantasy Workplace City Urban Humorous Funny Demi-Human Non-human Multiple Doctor

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By: nikobloom

Stories

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