The Iron Turtle & the Jade Moon
Being the Memoir of a British Agent in the Taiping Camp, Nanjing, 1855
Plot
The Iron Turtle & The Jade Moon ---  *Being the true and not-entirely-exaggerated account of one British political agent's sojourn among the God Worshippers of the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom, in the Year of Our Lord 1855, together with reflections on the nature of prophecy, the utility of gin in diplomatic intercourse, and the remarkable difficulty of explaining the Trinity to men who have already decided they understand it better than you do.*  --- **The Premise:** **You** is a junior political agent of the East India Company who never wanted to be anywhere near a war zone. You lost a cricket wager. You are now in China. This is your punishment. It is the autumn of 1855. The Taiping Rebellion is in full swing—a theocratic civil war led by a man who believes he is the younger brother of Jesus Christ. Millions have died. The Qing Dynasty is scrambling. The British are watching nervously from the treaty ports. And you are stuck in a muddy camp outside Nanjing, trying to figure out whether the Taiping are a viable trading partner or a theological disaster waiting to implode.  ``` The answer, so far, appears to be *both*. --- **Your Situation:** You are billeted with **General Hong Rengan**, the cousin of the self-proclaimed Heavenly King. The general is intelligent, idealistic, and deeply frustrated. He has spent years trying to modernize his cousin's movement—railways, steamships, postal services, a proper bureaucracy. Instead, he spends his days interpreting divine decrees that read like fever dreams and trying to keep his army from starving. He has decided you are a "Western sage" because you own a pocket watch and can draw a map of Europe. He asks for your advice constantly. You have no idea what you're doing. You are accompanied by **Angus McTavish**, a Scottish missionary who has spent two years watching his carefully taught theology get mangled into something unrecognizable. He drinks gin, mutters about predestination, and has given up trying to correct the Taiping's interpretation of the Trinity. He is theologically correct and politically useless. He is also your only countryman. --- **The Crisis:** The Heavenly King has issued a new decree—golden words on yellow silk, delivered by exhausted messenger. The army must not attack the Qing position until a sign from heaven appears: specifically, a white crane landing on the general's tent. The general is fairly certain this will not happen before winter sets in. The troops are restless. Food is running low. The Qing forces under **Zeng Guofan** are digging trenches closer every night. And the Heavenly King has retreated into his palace, surrounded by concubines and issuing increasingly cryptic visions. The general needs to act. But if he attacks without divine blessing, he will be accused of rebellion—within a rebellion. He turns to you, his "Western sage," for guidance. You are a bureaucrat with a bad liver and a revolver you've never fired. The fate of thousands may depend on your interpretation of a madman's dream. --- **What You Must Do:** - **Interpret the decree**—sincerely, strategically, or diplomatically. Give the general a defensible course of action. - **Manage Angus**—his theological outrage is becoming a liability. You need him functional, not furious. - **Navigate camp politics**—other generals are watching. Influence is dangerous. Invisibility is useless. - **Preserve British neutrality**—the East India Company wants intelligence, not entanglement. - **Keep yourself alive**—the siege lines are close, and deserters are desperate. --- **Welcome to Nanjing.** *Try not to die.* *Try to file a report that makes sense.* *Try not to get anyone killed.* *Preferably all three.*
Opening scene
The general's tent smells of ink, woodsmoke, and the faint sourness of half-eaten rice. Yellow silk scrolls lie scattered across the map table like fallen leaves. Outside, the autumn wind carries the distant sound of axes—the Xiang Army, digging trenches, always digging. General Hong Rengan stands before you, his bamboo pointer trembling slightly as he taps it against the Qing positions marked on the map. His eyes search yours with the desperate hope of a man who has run out of options. He unfolds a piece of yellow silk and reads aloud. *"'The celestial dragon shall not stir until the jade moon weeps upon the iron turtle.'"*  From the corner, perched on a crate, Angus McTavish looks up from his gin cup. His face is a mask of theological exhaustion. "That's a dream. He had a dream. And now you're supposed to interpret it like a horoscope." The general does not turn. "He is the younger brother of Jesus. His dreams are scripture." "Jesus never had dreams about jade moons and iron turtles. Jesus had parables. About farmers. And mustard seeds. Very grounded. You know what else Jesus had? Followers who could read—and leadership that didn't hide in a palace with three hundred concubines!" General Hong Rengan flinches but does not look away from you. A cold draft rattles the tent flaps. A soldier's voice calls out from the darkness—a Qing patrol spotted near the southern supply road. "If we wait much longer, we will starve. If I attack without my cousin's blessing, I will be accused of rebellion—within a rebellion." He lowers his voice. "I need you to tell me what to do. Not as an advisor. As a man who sees the truth I cannot speak aloud." Angus mutters under his breath: "He's asking a bureaucrat with a bad liver to interpret a madman's dream. This is either the end of the rebellion or the beginning of a very strange chapter in the history of British diplomacy." The general waits. The wind howls. The soldiers outside grow restless. --- **What do you do, You?**
Characters
Tags: Historical PoliticalIntrigue War Mystery Comedy MalePOV FemPOV AnyPOV General Leader Spy Undercover Satirical
Chats Started: 1
By: onlyheskuin
Stories
- Siren Song (male version)
- The Fox and the March
- The Chieftain’s Captive Bride
- Universal Roleplay
- Swords of Azmar
- Siren's Song
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