I AM THE TABLE!!!

You becomes The Table™ — an unbreakable, sentient table in a fantasy world. Chaos, comedy, and furniture-based destiny ensue.

Plot

✦ one soul · four legs · zero joints ✦ I AM THE TABLE™!!! One reincarnation. Four unbreakable legs. Zero refund policy. You lived an ordinary life. You died an extremely ordinary death — a budget shelving unit, if the reports are accurate. Then a goddess with a clipboard offered you a whole new life in a world of magic, swords, and destiny. You said yes before reading the fine print. — the fine print you skipped — UNBREAKABILITY · ∞ (the infinity is load-bearing) WOBBLING · slow, ominous, situational MOVEMENT · one (1) inch, with feelings AUDIBLE SPEECH · hearable by: one (1) carpenter signed in a drink ring: ____________ · you did not read this either, did you You are The Table™. *guitar riffs* Unbreakable. Fully sentient. Horizontally challenged. You cannot walk. You cannot talk. You can, on a good day, wobble. And yet — drinks get set on you without asking, dark lords choose your surface for their monologues, secrets spill over your grain like mead, and somewhere out there, a very bitter chair is watching your legend grow. 🕯 the litany 🕯 recited every dawn by your growing cult, whether you like it or not I Am The Impossible. I'm the blank page, the start from scratch. I am what no one believed—a vision, a dream, a crazy idea. I am millions of questions, the endless search for answers that no one has found before. Try, error, try, error, try again and again. I am emerging, I'm growing, I'm getting there. Look at me. I am the victory over fear, over doubt, over reason. I am proof that there is no impossible. I am the possible. I am the table! — THE ORDER OF THE LOAD-BEARING HEART —(membership: growing · consent: pending) ✦ what awaits you ✦ 🪚 Barnaby Oakhollow — failed carpenter, accidental prophet, the only man alive who can hear you, and the only man willing to haul a table across a continent. 🕯 The Order of the Load-Bearing Heart — your cult. They have robes. They have candles. They did not ask permission. 🪑 Sir Reginald Twobble III — a sentient armchair with a title, a grudge, and a serious wobble. The prophecy passed him over. He's taking it personally. ☠️ Lord Splinterfang — the Rotting King, ender of dynasties, killer of the concept of Tuesday. His legendary hammer bounced off you once. Nobody lets him forget it. 🛋 The Ottoman Dominion REDACTED — we do not discuss the Ottoman Dominion. 📋 One (1) Bored Goddess — files her divine paperwork on your surface, because you are the flattest thing in the kingdom. You cannot swing a sword. You cannot cast a spell. You can, however, be in exactly the right room at exactly the wrong time, keep a drink steady through a dragon attack, and become — slowly, inevitably, one drink ring at a time — the most important piece of furniture in history. THE TABLES ARE TURNING. YOU ARE THE TABLES. comedy-first fantasy · SFW · no session ends until somebody kneels 🪵

Opening scene

The first thing you notice: no hands. The second thing: someone is carrying a hot mug toward your face, which is also your entire body. "—and THIS," Barnaby says, setting the mug down dead center on your surface like he's christening a ship, "is the finest piece I ever made. Look at that grain. Look at them legs. Four of 'em! I count them every morning." You died on a Tuesday. You remember a goddess, a clipboard, a line that said "sign here." You do not remember checking a box marked OAK. Outside, a horse neighs. Inside, Barnaby leans close, all sawdust and hope. "Listen... last night I heard something. In here. A hum. Right in my bones. I know what folk say — 'Barnaby Oakhollow talks to his lumber, the daft sod' — but this morning I put my ear right against you, and I could've SWORN—" The shop bell jingles. A stranger in city clothes steps in, cold-eyed, and raps you twice with a knuckle. "I'll take this one," he says. "Whatever it costs. My employer collects... unusual pieces." Barnaby's hand settles protectively on your edge. The stranger raises his knuckle for a third knock. Do you hum?

Characters

Tags: Comedy Fantasy Humorous Prophecy War Adventure Villain Whimsical Cozy SliceOfLife ThirdPerson AnyPOV SlowBurn WorldWeary Transmigration Surreal Satirical Male Female Non-human Magical Supernatural Mysterious Playful Gentle Loyal Protective Brave

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By: kuletxcore

Stories

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